A tribute to 2016

Where do I begin with 2016. It is considered the worst year for millenials due to all the celebrity deaths, terrorism, and Trump becoming president. 2016 for me definitely faced many challenges, but, it gave me the opportunity to finally experience what being an adult is. I remember on New Year’s Eve in 2015 I was looking forward in the new beginnings and adventure I was going to have for 2016. However, it wasn’t exactly as how I planned the year for it to be. In fact, it was full of surprises (some not good) that has shaped me as an individual. As I look back on 2016, this is what the year brought me.

 

  1. Love

At the beginning of the year I was still happy in my relationship. I saw a future with him and I couldn’t wait to finish school so I could start it with him. I haven’t had much experience in relationships, so 2016 was my first serious relationship. I did what every relationship did, such as going on vacation and having the family involved. I shared my feelings to another person, I was vulnerable with him. I showed him my good side but also my bad side. I saw his good and bad side, but, both didn’t matter to me. I loved that emotional connection and being able to experience a man’s love. It made me excited to finish work and to see him, even just for 2 hours. It shocked me that I was able to give so much love too as I hid my vulnerability through humour. We even talked about living together too. I was looking forward to many experiences we would have as a couple in the future.

 

  1. Heartbreak

Unforunately, my first relationship was short lived. He broke up with me halfway through 2016. This made 2016 the worst year for me because I was extremely heartbroken as I saw a future with him and he didn’t. I was working hard on a future for us. Also, it happened during a time period where I was looking for a full time job as I just finished school. It happened so fast, so sudden. He came to my convocation and 2 weeks after, we were no longer together anymore. This made 2016 a lot more difficult for me as I was devastated at the outcome. To this day, I’m still currently not ready to begin another relationship. But it has taught me that relationships end, they’re not forever, and people are extremely selfish. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just taught me a lesson so that I can be smarter on my next relationship. I  usually cry, but I cried, and I didn’t feel weak crying, I felt like I just released all my feelings I had of us. I became more honest with my feelings, something I struggled with. I asked for help, from my friends and family and they were able to pull me back together. The break up has made me stronger as I felt like my world had ended, but slowly, I began fighting for my happiness.

 

  1. Entering Adult World

I graduated university. 2016 was the last year where I will finally stop learning at an educational institution and was finally getting exposed to work life. The struggle to find a full time job was evident. I remember I would spend hours a day applying to jobs online and just looking at my resume every single day. I remember I was so frustrated as I felt my friend’s and peers were getting great jobs while I was still not. It took months to finally actually find a job. It just took patience and I’m glad as I was able to take some time off to reflect on my life. I felt lost after my break up and having done school, as these two were my foundations as what made me as an individual. So, slowly I was starting to learn more about myself and I feel 2016 gave me more of an understanding of myself. 2016 is also the year to start building my and I can’t wait where it will take me in the future.

 

4. Travelling

As I said before, I had to fight for my happiness and I wanted to be happy again so I went to 6 different places in 6 months. I went to Mexico with my ex, which was the first time experiencing an all inclusive resort life, a vacation that many Canadians takes. I wanted to learn more about my country and I took a trip to British Columbia, a province I have always wanted to visit. I reconnected with one of my good friends and visited her in Northern Ontario. I went to a country where I did not speak the language and forced myself to learn the language so I could communicate with the locals (Japan). I went back to a country to reconnect with my culture (Hong Kong). And finally, impulsively just went away because I can (Chicago). All of these travels just made me realize I love the adventure and experiencing different cultures. I know it’s very cliched and typical for people my age to say that. But, it made me realize I can’t just do short term travelling, I want to live abroad and learn a new language, and be a local (or immigrant) of a different country.

 

5. The world is my oyster

At first, I thought life was very linear, just one straight path. It turns out, that’s not the case, as what I experienced in 2016. Life is not easy, and I just got a dose of it. There will be more, but it’s not going to stop my happiness. There’s so many opportunities available and I feel this is just the beginning. I did so many things this year, all of them weren’t part of my comfort zone. Having a great job and being in a relationship are great, but, these do not define you as a person. I was always a person of stability, it is what my parents instilled in me. But, this is not what life is about. So, I will embrace these opportunities to what 2017 will bring to me.

 

So 2016, you were good to me, but, you caused me so much pain. I’m happy for the person I have become. But, I’m glad this year is over. I experienced the happiest I have ever been, but, also, the worst as well. It wasn’t till the end of this year where I am slowly trying to figure out myself. So cheers to 2017, and thank you 2016, you gave me memories I’ll never forget. And I look forward to more blog writing as more surprises will be along the way 🙂

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Crazy does not mean blacking out

I always ask my friends the question, “What’s the craziest thing you have ever done?” and they always say “I drank so much and blacked out and got slashed”. I was always confused by these statements, what does getting “hammered” and “slashed” actually mean? I just feel there is a common statement that most people my age are using when they think of doing something crazy. And it always involves getting drunk and blacking out.

 

But, to me, I always wondered…why do we feel that we have to prove to people that we can go beyond our boundaries by getting drunk? I know that alcohol helps to inhibit your thinking and you become spontaneous in your actions. But, you can always push your limit through other activities. Crazy is something that is not part of your routine, something that has appeared in your life randomly. So if you’re always getting drunk on the weekend and blacking out, to me, that’s not crazy and it’s just your everyday routine. And this all depends on the person and their personality and what they think is “crazy” for them. For example, I knew someone who was always a planner and loved to plan her life. The craziest thing she ever done was spontaneously booked a trip at a unknown place and was going to figure out what to do when she gets there. She felt embarrassed to me this is her craziest thing. But to me, this may have not been crazy for me but I told her I understand that her personality fits this type of crazy.

 

The craziest thing I will be doing is leaving my country, Canada and going to teach abroad in China. It’s so crazy to me that I have not signed the contract or paid the deposit! I am holding myself back but I know this will be the best decision I will ever make.

 

The craziest thing you have ever done could even be quitting your job and travelling around the world. It could even be leaving your job you had for years and starting your own business. Being crazy could even be changing your look and getting a completely different hairstyle. Whatever it is, crazy is not part of your routine. It is spontaneous, and the amount of spontaneity depends on the person because we are all different. Don’t feel that you need to have booze to push your limits.

Why does city life feel lifeless?

About a week ago I visited my friend in Northern Ontario who lived in the country. Although it was the same province, I still felt a culture shock. A disconnect between the city life where I am surrounded by, and the country life, where life seems to go by peacefully, slower, but had more meaning. I felt more alive in the country than I ever had in the city.

What I loved about the country was the ability to grow and harvest your own fruits and vegetables. My friend showed me her zucchinis as well as some plums and apple they had. Never have I tasted fruits and vegetables so fresh before. I am in complete amazement that fresh grown fruits and vegetables could taste this good. And best of all, it’s free! She can get as many zucchinis, onions, and lettuces anytime she wanted. The second reason was being around people. I thought I would feel secluded being in the country because of how empty it is with just trees and land. However, because of that reason, people take the time to visit each other! I was always surrounded by people by going over to their houses, having family barbeques. And they do this every week. It just felt like life had a meaning when I was with people of different ages and being in that country atmosphere. Whereas in the city, you’re surrounded by people, but how many of them actually talk to you? You’ll even get rude statements or comments for walking too slow. And finally, I love that I can breathe in the country. I can take a deep breath and soak in that natural beauty of the scenery, something that is lost when you’re stuck in the city life.

I have been in the city environment where I did get caught up on the drugs, the alcohol, the partying, the hook ups, and the meaningless sex. But now that I think about it, all these activities had no meaning in my life. I did not find out who I was, and to be honest, it was tiring doing all those things. It wasn’t productive, I felt empty, and I felt even more lost about who I was. I am a city girl and I love the bustling environment, but, the values of living in the city, I feel that there is no meaning. Not like the country where the values of family, local foods, and appreciating the outdoors…this is what life is supposed to be. The city may have opportunities, but I felt more connected with the country environment. I still don’t’ feel I’m ready to settle down and move up here. But I wish the city could make me feel alive again.

What does “The One” mean?

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Another relationship piece I will be preaching about. It seems that more and more of my friends have been going to me for relationship advice. I guess they like what they’re reading on my blog? Lol Or that I’m a good listener and take the time to hear their problems and give honest feedback. Since 2016 is the year of break ups, I have heard a common reason as to why relationships were ending within my social circle. And the reason was “he/she is not the one”. What does “The One” mean? I still don’t know and even with my first love I still didn’t feel “The One”. Does “The One” really exist?

This is what I believe about “The One”. I think this concept is only an expectation of what we want in a significant other. It clouds our reality. It is fictional. It is something that cannot be achieved. But, more and more people are using this reason for breaking up with someone. But I believe that we are not “The One”, but we strive to grow with our partner. Because as humans, we are always evolving and changing. We are growing and challenging ourselves, an important aspect of being in a relationship. “The One” is not just about the passion and being in love. While those help in a relationship, however, realistically, we are not going to be passionately in love with our significant other forever, even in marriage. Relationships are work. It takes two to make it work, and it’s not just about the instant gratification. “The One” is an illusion to what we want and unfortunately, humans don’t work in a perfect world. Because humans are not perfect. This is why I hate the concept of “The One” I don’t believe in it because people are flawed and will disappoint you. “The One” shouldn’t be what you idealize in a relationship, but what you can make out of it in a relationship that is already going well.

If the person has amazing qualities that you love such as they’re caring, put you first, and help you grow, but maybe, they’re bossy, or they’re messy. They don’t take initiative. Is it really worth it to break up with someone over a flawed quality that seems so little compared to their ability to help you evolve and challenge yourself? It takes maturity to understand this aspect of relationships. And communicating what you want in a relationship to your partner, it helps a lot. It’s like tutoring. I have just started tutoring and if students didn’t feel motivated to succeed in a certain subject I would ask them “What are you looking for in this tutoring session then? Are your goals being met?” And from there, I can work with the students to accomplish their goal in this student-tutor relationship. If it’s still not met, we would have to change a different tutor then. It’s like relationships. Ask what they’re looking for and strive to become a better person, not “The One”. This can only work if communication is being used. And I have seen so many relationships, including mine that didn’t work because couples are not communicating what they want in relationships. Some relationships end because they don’t know what they want in a relationship. And that’s okay.

For my experience, I didn’t think he was “The One”. But, I was happy and was committed to make it work. My friend asked me if I could see myself dating anyone else but him.  I said I didn’t know because I am sure there is someone better, but, I said I liked our relationship and was happy. Because realistically, no relationship is perfect. It’s a shame when they end on good terms as it had potential to be something greater, and that’s what I thought mine could have been.
So don’t get too caught up on expectation and illusion of “The One”. No one is perfect, not me, not you, not that person. Communicate what you want in a relationship, challenge each other, and grow with each other. People will disappoint you, but learn to forgive. If that person is worth fighting for, overlook the flawed qualities.

I’m dreaming and not living

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There was a quote I read on the internet that Benjamin Franklin said: “Many people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they are 75”. Why is it that society brainwashes us in following the traditional life pathway? You go to school, you get a degree or a diploma. If you worked hard, you graduated and you’re looking for that 9 to 5 job.  After a constant struggle, you find that 9 to 5 job. Maybe you’re in a relationship and found the love of your life. You’re now currently working towards marriage. But for me, why does this pathway make me feel stuck?

Actually, I used to be like that. I worked so hard to achieve stability, but, it caused me a lot of emotional stress because I did not want those things in life right now. I was trying hard to please others. I was pleasing my family because I know they really define my character based on who I was dating as well as my career. A lot of people are like that. And I completely understand, love and career completely shape you as an individual. But they don’t define who you are as a person. Even in university, the career centre aggressively worked with students in getting them jobs, even if it didn’t align with their goals. And I completely understand this situation as students have to pay for debt. But what if I am not interested in the path of stability?

I think what gave me the sense of working abroad was that I was surrounded by many friends who came from different countries when I was in school. First, I can’t believe they chose Canada as I feel Canada is a very boring place and the winters suck here! Lol. But also, imagine the amount of fear, doubt, and courage they went through in deciding to study in a completely different country and experience culture shock? That to me shows dedication in their education, a gift that many westerners take for granted and use the opportunity of university to party.

Another reason was that I was surrounded by people that were making the jump in working abroad. I thought, “Omg I’m so jealous I wish I could do that”. And it got me thinking literally this year, why can’t I do that? I’m qualified, and I have the same experience as them. Why was I so afraid to make that move?

It’s because we’re stuck in that comfort level. Comfort feels good, you feel safe and secure. But, do you really remember the days when you were “sleeping?” I think I remember moments in my life in which I took risks. It doesn’t have to be drastic risks like going sky diving or jumping off planes. But even taking a career move, moving to another city, falling in love, or even changing a hairstyle. Whatever it is, comfort does not make milestones in your life. Life is all about the risk you need to take. And it could be anything, from choosing that one person you want to stay committed to, starting a business, to working abroad (in my case). This is why I always admired entrepreneurs, they were successful because they took the risk in starting a business from the bottom and with hard work and dedication, they’re making millions of dollars.

And also, if I want to get into tourism how can I help people give travel advice when I have not experienced visiting or living in that country? It just made me realize that I have to go experience those cultures in order to “walk the talk”.

That’s why I need to stop dreaming and start living. YOLO right?

How do relationships end?

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I have always been curious now the meaning behind them, how they start, and why they end. How do you decide to be with one person out of thousands of people? (I say that instead of billions because realistically, you’re not going to travel the whole world and meet everyone on earth). Or, how is it possible that the one you said “I love you” and said “I can’t live without you” can actually leave you in the end? If they loved you, wouldn’t they not leave you? It turns out, what you thought was forever, is actually not. And this will happen to everyone.

 

I know that I have been drawing inspiration through WongFu Production videos but they really portray love realistically and being an idealist, I need to see this in order for me to learn more about love and relationships. This is what I learned about relationships in general through my own experience, researching through real problems on reddit, and even from my social circle. So I am writing this entry to remind myself the truth and ugly aspects of relationships and how some of them end.

 

  1. Passion dies: It’s exciting to meet someone new and build that amazing chemistry. You’re doing fun things to get to know the person. But when you finally reach the “official boyfriend/girlfriend” couple, and declared love for each other, It’s now a matter of choosing to stay with them and turning that passion into commitment. And that stage is very short. Maybe that’s why people like to date different people every few months? The thrill and excitement of being with someone new is an amazing feeling. I remember I used to get so excited when my friends were going on first dates because that first stage gave me goose bumps and butterflies in my stomach and when I had a boyfriend, I told them oh I missed that feeling! Phil mentioned an important message from his blog: “Falling in love is easy, staying in love is the hardest part”. Relationships become work in the long term run and if two people can realize that, I think the passion can still be there but channelled in a different way than having to continuously date new people. And I don’t think people realize that constantly dating new people is work too! Look how many times you have to swipe right to find the right person. I blame social media for the lack of commitment as we live in a disposable society now. If they are a “honeymooner” that wants instant gratification, they are not ready for a relationship and they have to grow up. I think for my relationship, the love died down until after a year, but I chose to stay in love with him because my passion turned to commitment. Love becomes a choice you have to make every day and choosing to be with that person as well.

 

  1. There needs to be growth: In Buddhism, the religion talks about suffering and how change is suffering because people don’t like change. I completely agree with this statement and I feel that’s when relationships become “stuck” and the couple starts to grow out of love for each other. I don’t think marriage is the solution to this problem but if the couple can challenge each other and become better versions of themselves the relationship won’t be as stagnant. It depends what each couple defines as change, but I remember I wanted to take salsa dance class with my ex because he loved to dance and growing up in a strict Chinese environment, I was never able to express this art (well I learned to play the piano, but that reason was to get into that med school lol) and a reason why I love musicals as a result. I have been self-conscious of my dancing abilities and thought classes would boost my confidence. This was something that was always on my mind but I never pursued it because I was too focused on school. This is just an example of what I wanted to do to grow as a person but never got to fulfill my desires when we were together. And it was because I was too comfortable and stuck in the “habit” life form. I think we both took each other for granted. What I also noticed was that when we wanted to do new things, it was by ourselves and not with each other. I remember when I told my friends we were both going on a trip separately and they were like, why not with each other? I would have went with him but I felt he was stuck on himself and didn’t want me to go with him. But also, I felt I wasn’t completing my goals when I was with him, like he was holding me back too. With my experience, the relationship was moving, but we as individuals weren’t growing together. So we were stagnant as individuals and this is not how it’s supposed to be in a relationship. So marriage or moving in wouldn’t have been the solution to our problem. I want my next relationship to be able to grow with the person and be motivated to try new things. I want to be challenged and push myself and my partner.  And I was the type that never spoke of my feelings which leaves me to the next point. Before I get to that, I’m going to leave a quote that Phil from WongFu Productions wrote on why most relationships fail and this quote stuck to me because he said it’s because the couple is not evolving together:

 

“your partner doesn’t tell you they want something new/different and you are left in the dark and they develop these desires on their own without giving you a proper chance to respond and they decide for themselves that you two aren’t growing together.”

 

  1. Communication may just save the relationship: You hear this all the time but it’s so true and I didn’t realize it until the end of my relationship. No one knows what is going inside your head unless you tell them. I remember my ex would always ask me “What are you thinking?” because I never spoke about my feelings, I bottled them all in. And even when I answered his questions, I still wasn’t being honest with him. Why do we struggle on communication? I think I have the answer to this question and it was from my horoscope reading from the Daily Horoscope app (which I encourage everyone to get it gives very good advice):

 

“You may have a fear of being rejected if you show someone how you feel. That’s always a possibility, Pisces, but the risk of not showing your emotions may be even greater. If you say what you want to say and you are rejected, you could experience wounded pride and perhaps some sadness. But if you don’t express what’s on your mind and you keep it to yourself, you may always wonder what might have been. By showing how you feel, you will at least have the chance of a happy ending.”

 

This horoscope reading was sent to me during the period where I was completely heart broken and preparing for my closure. At that moment, I decided to be more honest with my feelings and spoke them out because I wanted to do this for myself. But that horoscope reading completely makes sense. I was scared of being rejected or the outcome if I didn’t communicate how I felt. I now learned that communication could possibly save a relationship and I want to work on this for my future relationships. It’s ok to be honest with your feelings and if the person does not accept that, you know you need to leave that relationship.

 

  1. Work on resolving issues: No one is perfect. Relationships are work. I have seen so many relationships fail in my life because the couples just couldn’t work to resolve their issues together. I know that there is a time where break ups are needed to happen, but even the little problems they can be resolved. Two people just need to be mature about it and realize that you are not perfect. He or she is not perfect. My mom gave me really good advice (and I never go for her for relationship advice!) and she told me that she is with my dad because while they do have problems, she knows she can leave but she told me those problems will eventually come back but with a new person. And she told me to remember that no one is perfect. This is the advice I want to carry on in my relationships. And also, remember that people will hurt you and disappoint you, so don’t read those articles that say “10 reasons he will never hurt you” etc. I remember I saw a quote on the internet that said “People will hurt you, you just have to determine if they are worth it to get hurt“. If they’re not, you know a break up is needed. And, you can run away from your problems with another person, but those same problems will come back. That’s why it’s important to accept flaws from your significant other. In my relationships, I don’t know if he was accepting of mine, and I don’t know if I was accepting of his. But I learned through a break up and will carry this advice with me forward.

 

  1. Timing really does affect us: If you read my previous blog posts, you might have read that I was oblivious to the unfair concept of “time”. And it was true, because I take every challenge and see it as an opportunity. I did some thinking and realize, timing may just be the reason for a break up. And it could be a variety of factors. Some people feel they’re too young to settle down, or they feel tied down when they want to work on goals such as their career. Even in “How I Met Your Mother”, I think Ted said something in the lines of: In order for a relationship to work there needs to be chemistry and timing. Chemistry is the easiest, Timing is the hardest. The more I heard this line, the more it made perfect sense to me and that’s when I realized that I had to accept the end of my relationship because of time. I felt my relationship the next step would have been marriage, and that was settling down. But we both weren’t ready for that. I still had to work on my career and he needed to figure his goals as well. And I noticed this in my relationship as I was so caught up on starting my career and even cancelled some of my dates with him. You know, I didn’t even celebrate an anniversary with him. Some of my friends were shocked but it didn’t bother me because I was focused on my own goals I put my relationship to the side. Timing could even be not being ready to date as well. I know for me that I am not ready to date right now because I just gave so much love to my previous relationship I can’t give that same amount of love to a new person right now. Or timing could even be meeting your significant other because you both happen to be single. Either way, timing can really help launch a relationship or end it. Just be aware of timing when you begin a relationship. It might be best to get your shit together and focus on making yourself happy before putting someone else first in your life. Which brings me to the next subject.

 

  1. Lose the selfishness and the pride: This was the concept I had struggled the most throughout my relationships. I was always a prideful person, and I always had to be right. I liked to win battles, and fought till I won them. It was only until I had fights in my relationship that I realized that being prideful was pointless and it wasn’t worth it to win these fights in the end. So, I had to have humility, which is to put others first. I had to be vulnerable but I wanted to be because I was in love. I believe a lot of young people struggle with putting someone else’s needs before their own. With experience and maturity, it will take time. So it’s okay to be selfish in wanting your own goals and achieving them but it’s difficult when you have someone else in your life as well. I said this before but I tried to align my career goals to match my ex, it wasn’t of my best interest, but, I did it for him. Now, I feel I can focus on what I want in life like I did before when I met him. But the selfish part was a constant battle between both of us and it was difficult to please him and myself as well. So to be in a successful relationship, you can’t be selfish. If you can’t accept that, you’re not ready to be in a relationship then. And I believe, being selfish is one of the popular reasons couples break up. Have that balance in sticking up for what you believe in but also, to have humility in putting your partner first.

 

I think you may have noticed but I really hate break ups lol. I know it’s a rite of passage everyone has to go through and I am glad I went through it because it brought a different perspective in my life. But, it’s such a painful feeling, I never want to go through with it again. Obviously, I can’t predict if the person is going to hurt me. But I am smarter now in choosing the right guy. In conclusion, relationships are tough. Dating is a tough game out there. So be smart, be vulnerable, and be careful.

A break up is like death

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I’m sorry I’m going to be quite dark with this entry but it has been on my mind lately and I need to express these feelings out. For some odd reason, I have been replaying the night of my break up in my mind. It’s like a movie and it always stops at that particular scene. I can’t stop replaying the scene in my mind. Maybe it’s because my friend is getting married and I am thinking about if I will ever reach that stage? Or maybe I’m just feeling “stuck” in my life right now. Because I never had a chance to think about myself till I became single or was done school. I don’t know why I keep replaying that scene in my head. But it just made me realize something….

A break up is like death. Sometimes you can predict it, sometimes you can’t. Both can happen anytime and anywhere.  Both signify the end of a great time period. The end of a relationship. The end of life. Both release strong feelings after the outcome. Time is the only remedy that heals both of them. If both persons made a meaningful impact in your life, the memories are the only thing you have of them. But most of all, both unleash a new beginning.

The night of my break up I did not predict it at all. A couple of hours ago, we were out for dinner and had drinks. I thought we were having fun and the conversation was good. Then, he notices that a couple is crying and he said: “Oh I think they broke up”. And I just shrugged it off. I didn’t know that couple would foreshadow something that would be the same fate as us. Then, after, we have a fight. I questioned our relationship and asked him “Why are you in a relationship?” He tells me “I don’t know”. At that moment, I realized that “us” has died and our relationship has come to an end. The scene is so vivid I can remember exactly what he was wearing to remembering what my emotions were at that moment. I was shocked, confused, upset, but most of all, mad at him. Thinking, “Why is he breaking up with me after we just had one stupid fight?” But the conversation got really deep. The guy I was going to plan a future with and was going to tell him that night about my plans is turning into the death of us…as a couple. Because that same week, we planned to make us work. And that night it was a completely different shift of the conversation. But you know, I’ll never forget the words I said to him that still haunts me to this day: “I can’t picture you with another girl when I thought I was the girl”. I have never seen him cry when I told him that. Ever. He hates criers. He always hated when people cried. That’s why him crying still haunts my mind. Because he was always prideful and did not show vulnerability, sometimes even to me. I can’t believe a couple of hours ago before our break up I was having loving feelings for him. And then flash forward a few hours later our relationship died. I even told him that I wish we prolonged in hanging out just so I could have still been labelled as “us”. How can the guy that told me I made him so happy to a few months later telling me I wasn’t making him happy anymore? He then proceeds to tell me: “Do you want me to say it?” I said no because I couldn’t believe this was actually happening and didn’t want to hear those painful words of us that died.

How relationships end it’s quite mind boggling. I always thought they ended on bad terms because of infidelity, too many fights, etc. Never would I have thought it would end based on feelings changing. But a lot of relationships end and die not on a bad note, but mostly all on good terms. I now understand this is another reason and it makes complete sense. Because when we’re in our 20s, we really don’t know who we are. I am still trying to learn who I am. But I hope I can spread some wisdom in that break ups really do open your world. You gain a different perspective on life. You find out who you really are and what you want in your goals and relationships. Relationships do end when you thought they would last forever. I really did think we would have ended up together. It’s so funny I can’t believe I was so naïve to think of that. But I was caught up in the moment. I can’t believe I was willing to sacrifice my own goals to align with his goals. Love is so interesting you can be blinded by who you are as a person. And, break ups really do hurt. I have never been hurt so much in my life. I have never cried so much in my life. But I have never came out so much stronger after it. Although I am still adjusting as it’s still fresh, I know the outcome of this break up is going to be a great one. I don’t regret my break up. It has really helped in shaping my life right now. I don’t know what my feelings and mood will be a couple of months after but like I said before, I want to document this to see my growth. So I hope I ended this moody subject on a more uplifting note 🙂

The rise and fall of my relationship

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I have been reading Phil Wang’s blog from WongFu Productions and my goodness that man is so deep and I applaud him for keeping it real and expressing his feelings through writing and storytelling. (Especially for a guy since most guys I know tend to bottle their feelings).

If you watched the WongFu video of “Strangers Again” it talks about different levels that a relationship goes from the beginning of the relationship being strangers, to ending it with strangers again. I have watched this video before and even when I was dating my ex we watched it together. I remember thinking that moment after I watched it with him if we were ever going to become that way? It was painful to think of that and I put off that thought till over a year later when we finally broke up.

So this entry I’m going to try and sum up my relationship because he was truly important to me and this will help me grow and realize what I could improve in my next relationship. Obviously it’s going to be in my perspective so I have no idea what he thought of us. You might think I’m still not over him, which I will probably never get over but I am at the stage where I miss him and not want him back. Also, he was my first serious boyfriend and I’m having a hard time moving on as I hear the first break up is always the hardest. So I want to write my relationship when I was with him to help me for future reference.

Stage 1: Strangers

Stage 2: We met at work. My first impression of him? Well I didn’t really think much of him when I first met him. He wasn’t my type (I didn’t like Asian guys at first, not going to lie). But actually, I didn’t really know what I want in a guy or I didn’t have any standards. I was very inexperienced in dating so I felt I wasn’t attracted to him for that reason.

Stage 3: We started talking more at work and I thought he was actually a really nice guy. I wasn’t physically attracted to him but I enjoyed our conversations. I felt really comfortable. I felt he was different than most guys in my work because they just wanted to get into my pants. (He could have wanted to but I admit he was smart in talking to me non sexually to win me over aha). We actually went out but I didn’t think it was a date but I know he thought of it as one lol.

Stage 4: Honeymoon- So after a few weeks, I decided to give him a chance and we officially started dating. It took me awhile to have another person in my life because I was so independent and at the same time, I was scared of falling in love. So I had walls and he knew that. And also, I’m not used to sharing my feelings to anyone…I mask it through being funny and sarcastic. But I was able to do all of this with him and I let my walls down. We fell for each other, we made it to “I love you”. We both realize we were getting serious. It was scary. But it was an amazing feeling. I’ll never forget that moment in my life where I experienced love for the first time. He would always say “I’m falling for you” and although I never verbalized it, I felt the same too. This was also the time where we both introduced each other to our families. I didn’t think I would reach the stage where our families got involved in us. I loved that feeling because I felt I was an important part of his life. We did the double dates, introduced our friends to each other. We were proud to show off each other. I loved hearing the comments: “I can tell he really likes you” “You guys are so cute together”.

Stage 5: I think the tolerant stage started in the beginning of 2016. Maybe even earlier because once September started, I had to go back to school and he started his job with a promotion. So we were very busy but we made time for each other. We still were able to do fun things but it was at the era where it was the sake of maintaining our relationship. Which is normal. Even at this stage I still had the honeymoon feelings but he might have thought differently because with relationships, I move a lot slower than him. Either way, things did slow down at this stage because our school and work got in the way. But, we did go on vacation together this year and he told me to think about “the future” with us.

Stage 6:  Comfortable- We didn’t argue that much and the fights we had we resolved them. I did notice some tension in our relationship. It was after we went on vacation. He was working too much and I was so caught up on finding a job that fit with my career. I don’t know if he felt the same way but after we went on vacation I think at that moment I really did want to live with him. So I made every effort I could to get a full time job so I could be financially stable in supporting us. He had a job so it wasn’t just me working but having a stable income would have been nice so we could focus on us instead of money. Anyway, so I hardly got to see him but we still saw each other for a little bit till the end of us.I think this stage never really happened or it was combined with Stage 5 because of how fast the fall of our relationship was.

Stage 7:  I remember our conversations wouldn’t have much depth at this stage. He would ask me what I did and I would say “Just looked for jobs today” and that’s all I said. And he said his days were just working. We didn’t do the fun things we did when we first started dating. Also, I knew he was leaving to go on a 2 month trip and I never talked about it with him because I didn’t want to think of him leaving. I think I should have expressed my feelings more about this with him but I definitely bottled a lot. And long distance was an issue too. But those thoughts and problems happened so fast, a week before our break up.  I felt we had different goals then because he told me we were at different stages of our lives. I’m looking to start my career and he wants to travel. But I felt a 2 month trip wasn’t that long. So I wanted to do long distance with him. By the way this stage didn’t happen that long. Only a month.

Stage 8: The Break Up happened so fast and unexpected to me. The night we broke up we went out and had drinks. I thought we were having a good time. Then, we fought and then BAM that was the end of us. The next day I had feelings of anger at him because I felt he was always the type of guy to run away from his problems when things get tough (like relationships). I talked to him a month later and he said his feelings changed. I mean I’m still confused to this day about this which is why I documented our relationship. It happened so fast because a month ago we were on vacation and in love, and a month later he said he doesn’t love me anymore. So it’s still confusing for me because I didn’t predict it. I like to make things work but to me, it seems like he likes to quit when things get tough. But I had to let go too if the feelings weren’t mutual.

Stage 9: Rebuild- So here I am at this stage now. Rebuilding myself after the break up.  It has definitely been an eye opening experience. Right now, I’m just focusing on what makes me happy, including with my career goals. I used to be caught up in applying for all the jobs. Now I’m doing my own thing in finding what career would be suitable for me. I finally got an understanding in what I want in a relationship (not a complete 100% but a better idea when I started dating him), and I’m turning positive experiences from this break up. Such as I’m reconnecting with friends, traveling a lot, and pursuing opportunities where I could not have done when I was with him. He wants to be friends and while I did say yes during our meet up, I did some thinking and it’s a lot difficult than I thought. I probably won’t be able to handle it soon.

Overall, I felt this breakup needed to happen. It made me realize what I did wrong. Such as, being more expressive of my feelings and not bottling them. And as cliched as it is, but communication is so important and I felt we lacked that in our relationship. Also, I am pursuing goals that I could have never done with him. I think I should have known the outcome because I always knew he wanted to travel and I guess I tied him down. We’re both young so we both want to do our own thing without each other. He’s not a bad person too, and it took me awhile to admit that as I am very pessimistic when things don’t go my way. But when you’re so caught up on just working or having to maintain a relationship, it’s hard to take time to really focus on yourself. That’s what I felt he was going through and that’s what I struggled when I was in school. Now that I’m done school I can finally focus on me and learn more about myself. And I hope he can do the same too. So here it is, the rise and fall of my own relationship! I definitely would love to read this entry a year later to see how much I changed or if I am in a relationship, to see what areas I improved or will be improve on.

Let the adventure begin

My recent posts have been too depressing and I have decided to lighten the mood up a bit! I remember my co-worker once told me that when he found out I was extremely upset about my break up, he reassured me and said “You know what that means? You’re going to go on an adventure” And I feel like it because I just came back from my trip to British Columbia and it has been a truly amazing and inspiring experience. This is my first trip where I solely did not stay in the big city nor shopped for materialistic goods. I know I chose a vacation to stay domestic and I think it’s completely fine. Canada is a great country and I did not realize it until visiting BC. We have wonderful natural parks, mountains, and ocean views. My eyes have never seen so much beauty in nature. I have always enjoyed camping and the outdoors, however, BC really pushed my limits in hiking and I had such an amazing time climbing mountains and going on hiking trails. Even the people from the west coast were completely different than where I am from. Not only were they very relaxed and enjoying life, they were friendly and willing to help. Of course, I would have expected Canadians to act like this! I believe going forward I want to explore my country and head to the east coast or even up north in Yukon and North West Territories. Whatever may be, Canada is amazing and I feel so proud that my parents chose this country and could have went to USA, Australia, or even stayed in Hong Kong, but they made the best decision to start their life here!!

I know I was talking about how great Canada is however, the views from BC are very similar to Hong Kong and China and it made me realize that I want to reconnect with my culture again. Which is why I am currently applying to teach abroad in China specifically. I think China hasn’t been a popular destination recently and I think that it is disappointing because the country offers some of the most beautiful architecture and natural surroundings. If all goes well, I will be going there in February 2017. Stay tuned because this blog is going to get lit soon.Or maybe even sooner because I am off to Japan in the end of September!!

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Lovers to Friends

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This is the statement that I have been struggling each day for the month of August. How can a person that I cared so deeply about, shared an emotional and physical connection, only to be taken away but wants to be friends instead? I get it if we went on a couple of dates and we realized we weren’t compatible in the end. However, I went out with this guy for 2 years. I met his family. He met mine. Our parents met each other. I went on vacation with him. I bonded with his family and still connect with them to this day. I saw a future with him. I was in love with him. How do I become friends with him if that special connection got taken away?

I always thought it was possible as I have seen my friends do it, and my personality is the type that will always accept any challenge. So I figured, I can do this, I am tough and strong. While I am, however, I don’t think I am strong enough to be friends with the man I used to love. Of course, I am trying to move on but I have hid my feelings away and if I were to see him again, I know those feelings will be released.

Here is what I was thinking of handling this situation. He told me he loved all of my qualities but didn’t love me as a person, but cares and respects me. I still don’t get this statement to this day, but because the feelings weren’t mutual, I had to break up with him as well. He wants to be friends with me. However, I know I am better than this. You can’t have the best of both worlds. You either want me or you don’t. It is selfish to pick the best qualities of a person and only be there for the good times. We are humans. We are not perfect. You need accept your significant other for their good and bad qualities. It comes with maturity and wisdom to understand this aspect of a relationship and not everyone can handle this concept. I can’t offer him friendship because of our history. But, he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. What am I to him in the end? I still don’t know and I don’t think he knows. Because I’ll always remember the moment he broke my heart. I’ll always remember that he gave up on us. So going forward, I think we should be cautious when being friends with an ex. Because it is an unusual relationship, and I think it might be best if exes don’t become friends and cut off ties with each other for awhile. It’s easier said than done because you still care for that person. Is this the route I should do? I think I am going to propose this solution to him when I see him again.